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It is true, yes, it’s true. Someone is out there typing a pretentious good night message. The text ends with a footnote labeled ‘I love you’, yet this affirmation does not come from their heart. It is true someone is still going out for dates but still the heart is elsewhere.
No doubt someone has already started lying about their day’s schedule because they don’t want to talk to the almost-to-expire darling. They know the darling they currently have cannot become their wife or husband. Sad, isn’t it? But they still hold on. Hold on to the pressure of loving someone and fail to hold unto Jesus.
Sad it is, to know that someone is in a relationship and they truly know this is just for fun. Deep down in their hearts they know the current sweetheart is not a material to take home. The sad story goes on as hearts will not just disclose their wishes. (I wish I can develop an application to derive such lies lying down in the hearts of people.)
So, every time they are exchanging sweet good night words, the heart of one person cannot stop wishing for a day when the relationship will expire.
It is sad to know, someone will call it quit tonight. It can be the gent or the lady. No matter who or which method they will use, they will have communicated, ‘it is over.’ It can be via text message, through phone call, a friend or face to face. I don’t know which one you prefer personally? As a consequence, a lady will shed tears and wet her pillow tonight and a man might drop in a club and to be drunk dumb silly all in the name of, ‘why has someone left me?’
When did you start breaking up?
More sadness is in this reality. Let’s analyze the situation together with you. Taking the example of a sick person who goes to a health facility to be treated, the doctor will ask a number of questions. Let’s say someone has a fever. The common question the doctor will ask is ‘since when did you start having the fever?’ The response would be something like ‘two days ago or a week ago’.
Now, let’s drag this example into a relationship that has just broken up. If I find a friend who has just broken up, the first question would not be ‘why did you break up’. The first question should be ‘since when did you start breaking up’. Why would I ask such a question? It is because no couple, in the midst of perfect situation calls off their relationship. There must be some unresolved issues which have been gnawing and eating either or both parties. When the issues remain unresolved and pile up, there and then the break up recipe has started. It only culminates with the three words “it is over”.
I have seen friends who seek sweet refuge in a relationship when their previous one could not work, and perhaps I was a victim sometimes back. They jump into another relationship just to find consolation. And perhaps as my friend would tell me, to make the other person, I mean their Ex, know, they are not that ‘little’. They too can get someone, they too can be loved. However, after a few months, people who looked happy and heavenly, end up reciting a piece of poetry titled ‘it is over’.
When you hear such news, perhaps you are like me, you try to help them get back together. Or flex your spiritual muscle to declare and decree the heavens to intervene. But phew, no results!
What happens in such a situation? According to a research by my elders in the village, they call such a situation ‘a clinic’. Reason being, when someone gets sick, they rush to the doctor and from day one they start feeling better because of the medication. The doctor books them for a clinic every week or month. A few months or weeks down the line, the clinic is over and the person is completely healed. The minute the person will get healed, he will never report to doctor again.
Let’s now come back to the dating clinic. If today I get wounded in a relationship, there is a temptation to get into another relationship blindly. However, after some months of getting healed, I will take my mat, rise up and walk swinging a placard labeled, ‘thanks my doctor, I am healed now, services terminated, its over!’
Have you found this to be true in your life or with a friend? Has it happened to you or are you already in a clinic as you read this book?
A failed business
To understand the difference in the question ‘why did you break up and since when did you start breaking up’ even better, let’s look at a failed business. If today I find a person who has failed in business, I would not start by asking why they failed in business. I would start by asking, since when did they start failing in the business. Why would I prefer that question first?
This is because, if a person gets into business without consulting, without researching, without testing the market, they are bound to fail. So, at the point someone is not consulting, researching or testing the market, that’s when they start failing. They don’t fail 6months later when the business cannot make profit. They start failing just from the start when they skip some steps.
A friend of mine would tell me, an athlete does not win in the day he or she is crowned champion in a certain race. Rather, he or she starts winning when hitting the road every morning to train. When an athlete is running up and down the mountains and valleys, that’s when he or she starts winning.
It is the same in a relationship. It starts failing or flourishing during the early stages. If someone finds the other person is overly aggressive, uncontrollable and high tempered but still tolerates the trait, it is not a wonder when such a relationship or marriage ends up in … (we both know how it ends, don’t we?).
Therefore, before minding why we broke up, let’s mind when we started breaking up.
There are no two ways about it
Many people expect to receive mystical revelations on the person they should get married to. And please, that statement does make me an infidel. I know God and I am sure he sustains me. But I cannot tie myself in the wrong relationship and wait for the angels to come demonstrating, raising placards written ‘quit the relationship.’ Or wait for a tear gas from heaven to spoil my date so that I can know I am off the track. I got to use my brains given to me by God and make the right decisions.
Let us take an example: You best friend invites you for lunch. He makes several trips to and from the kitchen and finally sets up the dinning table. He invites you over to the dining table and even recites a short prayer before you start eating.
All this time the food in the hot dish. He tells you welcome and there you jump; on your hand holding the plate and the other hand with the serving spoon. However, upon opening the first hot dish, you find properly packed saw dust and from the smell it looks like the saw dust is from a eucalyptus tree. You get embarrassed mildly and decide to move to the second hot dish. Surprisingly, you find cement fully packed in it.
In disappointment you turn to your friend and ask him what could be the problem. The friend confidently, turns to you and says, “come on, this is how we eat here, we enjoy saw dust and the cement stew”. Jaw droppingly, you stand and ask, “how comes”, but the friend says, “yeah, it is a delicious meal, you need to try it out”.
Now, regardless of how good and trustworthy that friend is to you. There are no two ways about it. You won’t take that saw dust and the cement stew. Will you? Hell No! Never!
It is the same in a relationship. There are no two ways about it. You either want it or don’t want it. You are either interested in the relationship or not. You cannot see hope and desperation in the relationship at the same time. You will only see each a time.
Many people have ruined their lives because of falling for the wrong person. At the onset of the relationship, only one person seems interested, the other is just being pushed like a robot.
However, you are either in or out. No middle ground. If you decide to still go on flirting and you are not interested, time will come and the mask will be peeled back.
Have you heard stories of people who were doing so well in a relationship only for them to break up? What happens in such a situation? You thought both of them were prince charming and princess the queen, but their story ends like prison break, in tears and heart break. But let us find out if in such a situation the two people break up or they have been breaking up only for them to make it official someday. We are talking about a file path, what is a file path?
The dating file path
I am of the thought that, when you see a big tree, it means the tree has not just dropped from the blues. It has been growing slowly by slowly until now everyone can see it.
If we drag this scenario in a relationship, it is true, that break ups don’t just happen. They start like a small seed, get enough moisture by being entertained and overlooked, germinate and until it becomes a huge tree. When the two or one of the parties realizes they can’t live with the tree, or as they say, the elephant in the house, they call it a break up. But it is not a break up; it is a graduation ceremony for a habit which either or both parties have been entertaining.
When I hear someone broke up, I am reminded of a file path. A file path in computer defines the route which you can follow to identify the file location. In computer, for you to trace where a document has been saved, you follow a file path. It is the same in dating, when hell breaks loose, you can simply follow the file path and identify where and when the problem started.
Let’s say two people today, call it quit because of religious issues. In such a situation, the two people have not just made an abrupt decision, either or both, have had the wrong expectations about religious issues. Therefore, they break up not because of religion but because of their expectations about religion. Your expectations thus set the stage for the outcome.
The marking scheme
When I was growing up in the village, there is a way I was taught by my mum how people should dress. However, when I went to college, I had a problem becoming friends even with some people. The simple reason being, I had a marking scheme on how people should dress. Therefore, when I found someone dressed in a manner that my marking scheme deemed wrong, I gave that person a down vote. For those who were dressed in a manner that my marking scheme deemed right, I them an up vote and they became close friends.
However, my friends who were raised in different homes where their parents had no issues with dress codes they did not have a problem like me. I realized later, my perception about people even before I saw them, was the basis of how I would view them when I met them.
Dragging the same example in our lives, we can see how wrong we at times get because we have the wrong marking scheme. We judge people wrongly and put them off just because we have rated them according to our misjudgment.
Imagine a teacher in school has the wrong marking scheme while marking end of term exams. It means, he or she would be unable to differentiate who is right and who is wrong. It is the same in our lives, if we have the wrong marking scheme, we will not differentiate between the wrong and the right people we need to associate with.
If you have the wrong marking scheme of how to treat the next person, how to forgive or how to be patient, you will have a heap of trouble. But you can choose today, to get the right marking scheme, it’s that simple.
The manual is Christ
Everything is right without a marking scheme. No wonder God had to give Adam some instructions. I don’t think the Garden of Eden had much of temptations we face today. There was no temptation to tithe, a neighbor to steal from and no business partner to be jealous of.
For Adam he had no other woman to tempt him sexually and Eve had no other man to flirt with. Someone might think this was a perfect condition to remain holy. However, God knew in every situation there are temptations from the accuser of brethren. Therefore, he gave them instructions which would keep them off sins.
But was God giving Adam a manual of instructions because he doubted his character? No. He gave him a manual to…convicted-conviction-why-i-quit-the-relationship….